Friday, August 28, 2009

I can't wait to see you again (part 3)

It could be just in my mind
A funny feeling you were giving me
Whenever you were coming around
I seem to be floating on a Cloud
I seem to be losing control

Can it be love that I feel in my heart?
Can it be love - have I fallen for you?
Can it be love?
Everlasting Emotion?
'Cos when you look at me and Smile I Know...

What does one do when one is stuck alone in a room with wat might be the love of their life?
a) Make small talk and hope cupid shoots an arrow at him
b) Get the 'flirt' on

Option 'b' was something i wasn't well versed in and any attempt at it would be an epic failure.
Option 'a' wasn't bound to happen since i had to instruct myself to do something as simple as breathing.
Option 'c' didn't seem like too bad an idea.....

I shifted in my chair, ran my fingers through my hair, cleared my throat a couple of times, rubbed my nose every now and then.. I did everything i could to not look at him and that smile of his. Darn that smile!

You remember how in 5th grade your science teacher was teaching you the concept of 'dispersion' and she probably sprayed some perfume in one corner of the room and told you how due to 'dispersion' you could smell it even from the other end of the room. Well, i was jus 2 feet away from him, and the phenomena of 'dispersion' was acting like a pain in my butt!!

As if sitting in his presence wasn't bad enough and trying not to catch his gaze was torturous enough, the air conditioning was blowing his scent to me. My head was clouding with the smell of his cologne..

Oh no, don't start talkin, i won't know how to reply.. I looked up, opened my mouth to say something, but one whiff of the aroma that arose from his skin and i was out. I'm pretty sure all i could say would be 'duh'..

Luckily the door knob turned and the others came in, he looked towards the door and smiled, i still stared at him stupidly..

'There you are dippy'
Was someone calling me?
All of them lined up around me, Chandne pulled my hair.
'Ow'.Back to reality
The others shifted behind me, Chandne poked me again. I took the cue and quite unwillingly introduced the others to him. Why the feeling of possession i wondered, but somehow he felt mine!

The usual pleasantries were exchanged, he asked everyone about their course and college and trivial things. My turn came and i too answered without difficulty. Theatre was discussed, questions asked, answers furnished and i continued watching him. The curves his mouth made as he spoke,the way he moved his hands when he was explaining something, how his brows tensed when he spoke of something very serious, how his eyes lit up when he spoke about his passions.. I could watch him all my life.. Wait, what was i saying... Enraged with my lack of control over my emotions, i walked out of the room.
'You've got to go?', he asked.
I swept a quick last glance at him.. 'I'll be right back', i lied..

I walked to the fountain, i wanted to be as far away from a crowd as i could.. I could hear the loud thumping of music, but that was nothing compared to my heart.. Maybe the sight of the bamboo and the sound of water would calm me down!!
I watched as a pigeon dipped its head into the water and held it there for a bit to long, it shook it's head so hard when it came out, that i was scared it's head was gonna fall off.. I held my hands tightly around myself and closed my eyes..'FOCUS'

My head was finally clearing up, i had to handle just one more event. I would do that, go meet my seniors and leave for a council meeting, i'd get home, catch up with ma and pa, dinner and then sleep.. But the vision easily melted away and i saw his smiling face again..
I opened my eyes, shook my head and tried again.. I would get a good night's sleep, wake up get ready for college, get on the bike, check my mirrors and in the mirror i wud see him and he would laugh. what?? NO!!!

I opened my eyes again and there he was, right next to me, laughing
' Practicing telekinesis eh? haha careful there, you almost swept me off my feet', he joked..
Sigh, if only he knew who had swept who of their feet.
I stood up and noticed for the first time that he was just the right height for me.. I pinched myself! Stupid hyper imaginative mind!!!

'Leaving now?', i asked.
'Looks like it', he shrugged. He HAD to stop acting cute in front of me!!!
I smiled a fake smile.. so the story was ending jus like that..
I opened my mouth to say goodbye but he interrupted me.
'Can you walk with me till the gate?'
I nodded..
We walked together, i pictured us along the moors again..
I cursed my college for being so small, just a few countable steps and we were at the gate..
'So', i started. He looked up. 'I know we've said this a hundred times over now, but thank you for coming'.
His phone beeped, he looked at it and laughed again.
'Looks like you'll have to bear with me for a bit longer. My sister is still not here'.
My legs felt weak, i quickly leaned against the wall.
'It'd be my pleasure', i smiled.

A half an hour conversation followed, we spoke about food, music, movies, family, Kerala, Scotland ( turns out he worked there) and just about anything. It seemed easy talking to him now, his smile left me momentarily out of breath, but i was getting better. He stepped forward and leaned on the wall too.. I took a step away. 'So why a mundu?'
'Wow! hahaha, ok thanks for calling it a mundu and not a veshti', he grinned. 'I'm shifting actually so all my clothes are in cartons and quite honestly, this is all i could get my hands on. Ravishingly sexy isn't it?' and he pranced around.
Next thing i knew, both of us were on the road, clutching our stomachs laughing our heads off..

His phone beeped again. 'Ah she's come', he said a little disappointed. We got up and dusted ourselves.

'Well it's goodbye then'
'Guess it is. It's been fun meeting you Deepti. I really hope to seeing you again, and don't even dare to say thanks again'
What could i say to that, i smiled.
He held out his hand.' My lady', he said. I streched mine out to him, he held it gently and i felt lightheaded.
He bent his head and bowed. We both laughed. He gripped my hand firmly and shook it.'Thanks for the wonderful time.'
I felt his fingers loosen their grasp. I nodded at him. He turned and walked away. I watched him.
I felt my heart sink.

Just as i tuned to go back in, 'Oye', he called out, 'take care!'. He waved.

I got a way of knowing,
when something is right.
I feel like i must've known you,
in another life.
I felt this deep connection
when you looked in my eyes.
Now i can't wait to see you again!

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

I can't wait to see you again (part 2)

If you think the sound of someone hammering a wall when you have a headache is the worst, wait till you hear the loud thumping of your heart when you're hanging off a cliff or worse standing in front of what might be your 'soul mate'...

I counted till ten in my head, I'm not sure if it was to stall a few seconds or to clear my head of the constant thoughts which seemed to be piling in, but it did calm me down. I looked up and smiled.
'Thanks, but I'm good.'
And before i could look away, there it was again, the now familiar smile...
Very few people can emote well with their eyes, and his spoke volumes, as frivolous as it may sound, i could suddenly see myself with him, walking along the moors.. We weren't holding hands, neither was there any violin playing in the background, but somehow even in that momentary day dream, i knew i was meant to be with him..
"And the first place goes to Jatayu." The diva had announced the results.
The hoots and the screams that followed were enough to snap me back into reality, i held out the certificates for him to distribute (maybe, just maybe our hands would touch and i would find out if bells do really ring when then happens), but the diva intervened. Cursing him under my breath, i held out the trophies for him to distribute...

The event was now over, he'd go back in a few minutes and maybe I'd never see him again. Just a few minutes ago i wanted to escape his presence and yet now somehow, his conge pricked me. I gave out the mementos meant for the judges without making as little as an eye contact, mumbled a thanks to both of them and turned to leave. The ocean of students would soon engulf them and just as a boat during a mellow tide, they would drift further and further away and soon disappear..

'Out of sight, out of mind dippy!', I reassured myself. I turned around to pick up my bag and there he was.
"Looking for this?." He held out my bag.
'Erm yea, thanks'.I reached for it and looked away quickly.
'You look like you're from the student's union, could you, uh help me out a bit... Please?'
He didn't have to ask me twice.
'Sure how can i help you?'
'Well I thought the event would take longer, so I'd asked my sister to come in only later. Can you guide me to the guest room so i can wait there?' He gave that smile of his again. How could anyone ever say no to that?
'Sure, this way.' I lead on, biting my lip to stop my mind from drifting into another fantasy, and who knew, maybe that would stop the blood from rushing to my cheeks everytime he innocently enticed me with that smile...

I held open the door for him.
' There you go, oh would you like something to drink or eat?'
' No thanks i'm good. I guess i'll just wait.. Thanks again er....'
'Deepti.. I'm Deepti'
' Thanks Deepti..'
'Deepti', he said again. Sigh my named seemed so beautiful coming from his lips.
'The one who brings light.. Isn't that what it means?'
I nodded. He'd been the first to say that, most people simply interpreted it for an analogue for light.
He looked up at me again, i could see a question in his eyes, or was it something else.
I cleared my throat, he looked away.
'Well, i better be goin then, thanks again for coming today, I really hope you'll be able to come back soon for another event'. I chanted a well rehearsed dialogue and stepped towards the door...

Just as i turned the door knob, he spoke again.
'Hey Deepti, if it's ok with you um could you give me company for a while? Till my sister is here?Please?'

I didn't have to look at him to know that the smile was back on his face. I swept the hair off my face and turned to him. " How hard could it be", I thought to myself.
He looked at the chair opposite him, and then at me.
I was getting better at understanding his gestures, i put my bag down and walked up to the chair. Suddenly it was hard to even breath. Breath in.. Breath out.. Breath in... and then???

I looked up, he mouthed a 'thanks'

I smiled, and that was all it took, before i knew it i was lost again in those deep eyes..It was just him and me, everything else around seemed a blur, the only thing i could see werethose intense eyes, the only thing that i could herewas my own heart racing. Why did i feel so connected to such a total stranger, what was that he had that no one i ever knew had, that left me so agog? I couldn't help but wonder!!

Pardon the way that I stare.
There's nothing else to compare.
The sight of you leaves me weak.
There are no words left to speak,
But if you feel like I feel,
Please let me know that it's real.
You're just too good to be true.
Can't take my eyes off you.

We'd be together for only a few more minutes now would i be able to recover from this silly delusion i had fallen prey to? or would i sink in deeper? What was happening to me?

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

I can't wait to see you again (part 1)

( Scribbled on the picturesque 2 hour journey from Kochin to thrissur in a empty train as the rain swept across the country side)

I'd never believed in 'love at first sight' and i;m still not quite sure if i do. To me it's just like those far fetched things we see in movies, like for instance how the good cop takes on 6 armed men with just one bullet in his pistol.
I'd heard anecdotes about 'real life' instances of love at first sight, but none of them were convincing enough and yet here i am on a train (buzzing with the topic of kerala's political scenario) contemplating on the existence of this phenomena..
The symptoms are the same according to all 'Yash Raj' films- sleepless nights, loss of appetite, disillusion. (heck they make it sound like some disease) and I've had all of them- maybe it's the flu or maybe it's something more....
I saw him a month ago; he'd come to college to judge and event. No one was looking at him, quite honestly i don't blame them for next to him was this Greek god of perfection. An Indian Edward Cullen if i might call him that.. Those perfect features, those golden brown eyes, that enigmatic smile, even the staff had a tough time keeping from staring at him..
And silently sitting next to this 'piece of art', almost hidden under the stares for his fellow judge was 'he'.Dressed in a red kurta and a veshti, he knew he was nothing to look at compared to the one sitting next to him and he had no qualms of not being the center of attention. Barely anyone looked at him, some to mock at his attire, and others to rave about how gutsy' he was to walk into a women's college in a veshti.Quite honestly, to me he was invisible... for now at least..
All the girl's flocked to Anshuman Pradhan like moths to flame and just like the pitiful insect, they returned burnt.. When i was asked to sit next to him, i tried not to look too eager though I'm sure i skipped and pranced as i strode to the bench. I've heard that everything seems perfect and beautiful under the influence of drugs, and so powerful was his beauty that the world seemed lovelier by just sitting in his presence, the sun looked bright again, the birds were singing again, life in general was 'picture perfect'...
I've always been a good judge of character and it dint take me too long to see through the veil of perfection and see the low lying scum for the person he was, all admiration was lost when i saw him mock every single team on stage. I'd had it with his snide remarks and looked up to argue about something. It was then that i saw 'him'. I read his name card- Vaibhav Menon. As if he'd heard me saying his name, he turned to me. The world seemed to have stood still.. he cocked his head and smiled. I could feel the blood rush to my cheeks, Chandne tapped me on my shoulder for something, the world was on 'play' again...
I didn't dare to look at him for the rest of the event for the fear of getting caught in his gaze again, but even without that, i cud picture his keen eyes every time i shut my own, i could picture the gentle curve his lips made when he smiled that heart warming smile of his.. I couldn't wait for the event to get over..
I was up on my feet as soon as the event was over, my heart had been weak today and i wouldn't dare test it any longer, but as fate would have it, i was asked to go on stage and help the judges distribute the prizes. Anshuman lead the way with his imperial stride and all the attitude of a diva i tied hard not to scorn at him. Vaibhav on the other hand on seeing me, stopped, bent forward and gestured me to lead the way. When i looked up at him, he had that smile on his face again and i heard my heart ringing in my ears...
I rushed to the volunteer's desk to collect the trophies. 24 trophies stacked on a small tray, the slightest movement would bring the structure down. I struggled as i took carefully measured steps. All eyes seemed to be Anshuman again as he made his 'speech' and no one even bothered to offer help except for one soul..
' Need some help with that?' I'd never heard his voice before, but i knew this was him. You know that feeling you get when you hear one of your favourite songs on the radio on a grey depressing day, and how you're suddenly filled with warmth.. Well i had the same feeling, just ten times more intense..
I gulped, could i dare to look at him? Even without my eyes meeting him, i could feel the warmth of his gaze. would i be strong enough or would i make a fool of myself?

Saturday, August 15, 2009

Words are all i have

Dear Love,

I have been thinking to myself a lot lately over what went wrong and what makes me feel terribly awful. I have to accept that lies and falsehoods won't lead me anywhere, but I guess I was just really head over heels falling for you! I might have done many silly things but I just couldn't help doing such stupid things just to win back your attention.And i know it was stupid of me to have stayed away from you for so long, but i guess i was jus playing hard to get.

I really went through a lot trying to prove a point, and now i know how foolish that was.Trust me babe, every moment of the time i was away from you, you were the only thing on my mind. i couldnt sleep i couldnt eat properly wondering if you were was horrible. so many times i came to see you but backed out fearing that i wouldnt be able to pull myself away from you.

I know that I have hurt you.. hurt you bad.. but there was nothing else i could do at that point of time.. i know its been 2 months and in these two months of being with myself and gathering my thoughts and realizing myself, I've realised how dear you are to me and how i cant live apart from you. for what I've done I am asking for your forgiveness and hoping that we could start all over again. I really cherish those moments when everything was going great. I could hardly take the reality of losing you. I really want you back.

Don't take this for an empty promise, for i mean every word of what i say.. and it's only words, and word's are all i have!

this world has lost its glory
let's start a brand new story
now my love
you think that I don't even mean
a single word I say

it's only words
and words are all I have
to take your heart away

But alas!! you have no heart.. no no don't get me wrong, I'm not calling you heartless.. But its a fact isn't it?? after all, you are jus a blog.

With Love,